Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows

[i get back from the supermarket]

wife: did you forget about dre

me: nope

wife: did you remember the alamo

me: yep

wife: did you get the eggs

me: goddammit

Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.

Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang

I wanna stand with you on a mountain and throw you into the sea or whatever savage garden was on about

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

Bless you

My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”

This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.

a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

“A little help here, Danny?”

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

me: got any weekend plans?

me: gonna get chubby

me: yah me too

The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

New tinder profile pic

the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE