Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.

Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please

*uses Ouija board*

ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

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Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.

if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers

Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’

I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.

Gynecologist: …