Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

If Donald Trump becomes President,

The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”

She says “Burger King.”

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

PDF: *pops up at 176%*

Why are you yelling at me

Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom

Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.

When a new bird species visits your bird feeder

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*

Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE

I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.