Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.

He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.

Guy who pronounces HOA like boa

Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there

Best spoiler warning ever

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!

The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.

Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]

Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”

My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns

Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.