My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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Probably my best painting.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I put the h in mysterious.
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
$3 #books
