My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.