My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
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Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny