Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Most people like a little something to remember you by.

Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

10: “What are we doing today?

Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”

10: “Then what are we going to do?”

Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”

[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*

We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”

I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.

Me: I am forever in your debt

Bank manager: That is accurate

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?

Walt Disney: Kill the mom.

P: and the mermaid movie?

WD: Kill the mom.

P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?

WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.

Narrator: There was no narrator.

“Oh, I get it!”

– Me, when I didn’t get it.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.