My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
You Might Also Like
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
my mind
You just read my mind
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I’ve texted someone to ring me on the train purely so I can answer and say: “I can’t talk – I’m on the quiet coach.” All this to send a passive-aggressive message to the talkers around me. Tragic. British. Petty.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.