My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
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If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
so this horse walks into a bar
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I falcon love using swear birds
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬