My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
haha same
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers