My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
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Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER
Creepy-crawlies
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
😅😅😅
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!