Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.

*at Starbucks*

7yo: can I order for you?

Me: sure!

7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!

[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]

laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

🤨

i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Me: Good night.

Brain: Night.

Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

*popular kid is struggling in class

*gets a tutor to help

*Kool-Aid

In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.

In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”