My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
You Might Also Like
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
if I was minding my own business and someone told me I stink stank stunk I’d try to steal their christmas too. my mans did nothing wrong
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?