My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
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For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
What about second breakfast?
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time