Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Murderer 1: well this is awkward

Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!

Murderer 1: how’s Carol?

Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-

Me: EXCUSE ME

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool

Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds

Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho

Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers

Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-

Scientist: They wore socks with sandals

I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: is my trunk open?

Cop: no.

Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.

DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER

*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

I don’t know what to do

Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.

a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

–

If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”

If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT