My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist