Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.

The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.

December 1st:
Smoked a cigar

December 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police

Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.

I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.

I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.

Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.