Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream

Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

astronaut: houston we have a problem

houston: what is it?

astronaut: my wife left me

houston: we only deal with space problems

astronaut:

houston:

astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Friend: Can you give me a ride?

Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!

[Later]

Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

I just told my husband I found a giant active wasp nest in our backyard and he said “I know! I saw that a few days ago!” so we got to have a lecture about “see something, say something.”

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Can we not just call it Zealand now?