Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00

My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*

[my landlord staring at the penguin enclosure] You’re not getting your deposit back

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.

20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels

…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.

Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good

Me: am I going to die?

Doctor: without treatment, yes

Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?

Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice

Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating