Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.

Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it

Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?

Inventor: no, 24

Friend: so will the day start at 1

Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night

Friend:

Inventor: the 6 means 30

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.

Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

Them: life is so unfair sometimes

Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.