My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?
me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Worst Native American name ever.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice