Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”

Me: “My personal identification number number?”

*he stabs me*

I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?

My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—

40: wtf just happened

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.

I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.

Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

A completely valid reaction tbh

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways