Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

ed has no gf cuz sheran away

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

*Tries to warm up car*

Car: I have a boyfriend

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!

10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.

In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try

Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.

Demon Gary: hi!

Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.

Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?

Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–

Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.