My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
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If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
My neck, my back, my…
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”