Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”

They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

i’m sure it’s fine

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

got so much cardio in today

Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday

me irl

I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

*with the intention of bragging

I just won $7 and a free play on my lottery tickets. Only cost me $36 to achieve this

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

this got me crying😭😭

Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!

15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.

Me: ……sooo handsome though..

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.