My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
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For anyone who needs this today
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am