My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.