My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
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Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”