Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

Perfect

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

(3am, my kid wakes up)

Me: *Pretends to be asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*

Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*

My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon

ME: are those new shoes?

HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…

ME: *tearing up* yes?!?

HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how

Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed

Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps