Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet

and we liked it

I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.

OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew

Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle

⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜

la cocaina

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.

Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist