My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
My phone dies quicker than the black guy in a horror movie.
If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
*Jury starts The Wave*
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
You know what I love about people who buy followers?
I can laugh at their expense.