@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

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@DrakeGatsby

me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.

them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”

@pilau

mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight

me: for the cake

mob boss: what

me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me

mob boss: that’s not what I-

me: it’s my birthday

@BillDixonish

If the new Instagram logo makes you upset, wait until you hear about child soldiers in central Africa.

@ericsshadow

[first date]

HIM: Can I call you sometime?

HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone

@Thynebear

[In Court]

Does the Defense have any last words?

*defense rises* DE-FENSE

*Judge holds up picket fence*

DE-FENSE

*Jury starts The Wave*

@BoomBoomBetty

St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

@PimpleEye

You know what I love about people who buy followers?

I can laugh at their expense.