My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Breaking news:
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.