“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea
Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars
producer: go on
Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast
producer: can they also be…furious?
Vin Diesel: i dont see why not
producer: let’s make fifty
For those of you keeping track, so far:
Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
The Onion called it…again.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.
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