@daddydoubts

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

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@girlneuy

“Give me pizza or give me death…” my history loving son’s version of a threat.

@_elvishpresley_

Vin Diesel: i got a movie idea

producer: great

Vin Diesel: so there’s these cars

producer: go on

Vin Diesel: they’ll be fast

producer: can they also be…furious?

Vin Diesel: i dont see why not

producer: let’s make fifty

@Jake_Vig

For those of you keeping track, so far:

Regular wildfires
Pandemic
Locusts
Volcano eruption
Radioactive wildfires

Whoever is out there saying “What’s the worst that could happen?”-

STOP

@KalvinMacleod

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

@envydatropic

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.

@pplwtching

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

@BromanConsul

“Science HAS gone too far,” I whisper, gazing out across the sea of boneless chickens slithering through the farmyard.
The Colonel laughs.

@EricaWhoToYou

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