My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
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A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Its a hippotatomus
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Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Love is in the air fryer.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
this is me
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Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
🤣🤣🤣
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats