My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.