My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it