My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
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how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.