Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Whoville]

Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks

Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess

Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit

Me: Seems harsh

Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him

Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying

I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

Printer ink is expensive

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

angel: they seem to be doing well

God: give them more diseases

angel: is that really necess-

God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not

USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

My best quality: telling it like it is.

My worst quality: telling it like it is.

Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.

sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious

Nobody:

South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…