My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
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common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Roses are red
Pizza sauce is too
I ordered a large
And none of its for you
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
📽️movie date🎞️
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.