My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Bond. Trauma bond.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”