My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
You Might Also Like
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Batman v Dracula
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll