Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

2022: I can fix it

DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?

SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute

ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]

“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows

How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.

[Garden of Eden]

Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend

Eve: I thought I was your best friend?

Adam: I love you

Eve: aww I love you too

Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog

{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.

DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!

[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.

If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad

*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*

Joseph Smith, 1833

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.

The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

I have never heard an armadillo before.

First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with Friends

Him:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*

Them: *typing professionally on their computer*

Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*

Body: I need water.

Me: Diet Coke?

Body: No, water.

Me: Wine?

Body: NO, WATER!

Me: Coffee it is.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”