My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
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Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.