My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasnât something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. đ
You Might Also Like
I wish people would stop asking me if Iâm on Twitter, clearly Iâm not.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case youâre wondering why Iâll be limping tomorrow.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
friend: youâre pregnant! do you know what youâre having?
wife: we think itâs-
me: snakes. we think itâs snakes
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The two places we often associate with the word âcommittedâ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesnât love me anymore
Boyfriend: thatâs not what I said! I said that I have to work and I canât give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
5 told me she was really sad but didnât want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said âIâm sad because thereâs no caramel cheeseâ and now weâre both sad
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
This raises questions
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
SECURITY GUARD: âSir, I have to check all backpacksâ
ME: âokâ
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Iâve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is âhows your mom?â like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
âMaybe I donât need this second cup of coffee,â she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
ââŚnevermind.â
Well tonightâs date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we donât run into each other
I can never find my cars keys but I wonât forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
My brain: Donât worry. Iâll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So youâre not going to believe thisâŚ
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Clients after you give them your rates
Vaccines comes from doctors â> Doctors are part of Obamacare â> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDINGâS ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: Iâm not allowed to say things anymore am I?
ME: Whatâs wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes itâs justâŚI didnât think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them