Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li

I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”

Aww, thank u, son

“Mom, why did Dad leave?”

[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?

Told my mother-in-law I liked her shirt and four days later she gave it to me, so now I’m thinking I’ll compliment her pearl necklace set and see what happens.

So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.

Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”

its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects

Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

It’s not a question of when will my daughter say mommy, it’s a question of when won’t she

Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.

Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life