Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,

Come back to me.

Velcrow

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am

[outside of bank]

Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!

Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!

Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.

my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that

Free him

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

You can extend the olive branch..

but you can’t beat them over the head with it

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.

*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

Yeah I do yoga.

Ninja Yoga.

I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.

Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?

Me: Lol I know right

Therapist: For real though

Me: Can you imagine haha

Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion

Me: Wait, that’s an option?

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!

Trainer: You stood up.

Me: Sooo sore!!