Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.

[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?

Therapist: That is how these things usually work.

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Overall productive day..

*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a 10, but imaginary

Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

*unhooking milker from my gorilla*

wife: still no glue?