My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
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me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
