Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.

Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.

If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread

I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.

FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised

Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason

#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!

*holding 7 steak knives*

DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU

Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.