My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Today’s tshirt
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Fights fire with marshmallows
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”