Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!

Starbucks job interview:

“What’s your name?”

“Alyssa”

“Spell that please”

“L A R I S S A”

“When can you start?”

Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie

Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

“Do one thing today that scares you.”

*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Yes my dude

– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

they’re doing a new version of hot ones. it’s called “savory ones”. as the interview goes on the guest is forced to eat increasingly sumptuous food items. “oh my this is just delectable” they will say at the end, sweating and crying.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Donating blood today to make room for more food

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies