Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

*Arrives at airport checkin*

Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!

-Ticket please

Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty

the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.

turns out he just wanted apple sauce

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

[dentist]

receptionist: with copay that will be $15

me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.

I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.

parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never

me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished

CEO: yeah. like, twenty times

me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-

CEO: TWENTY TIMES

me: but-

CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.