Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do me on that counter

*Later in therapy*

Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*

Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other

Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Just say no

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”

Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.

A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.

Nerys is a dachshund.

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.

operators are standing by to ignore your call

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*