Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car

Me: “Dear God…just leave me here. Bury me right here, or charter a crane to lift me home. I can’t move. My pants. Sweet Angel of Merciful Death, I am ready.”

*Pies are brought to the table.*

Me: “We have Cool Whip or something to go with this orrr…?”

Just how popey was the pope today?

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.

If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

her: i’m a cat person

me:

her:

me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky

Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.

I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.

diva inflation rises at an alarming rate

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.

*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*

Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*

Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.