Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.

What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF

Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]

Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME

how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.

Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul Afraides

Paul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”

[crowd goes nuts]

A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.

Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.