My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
You Might Also Like
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect