My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
Leo: The darkness is more afraid of you than you are of it. This is an extremely concerning development.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Girl, same.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
