My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
he looks great for his age
entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it
I’m not lazy
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
