Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

Fixed this for Shakespeare

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”

Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.

if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.

Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?

Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

my first day as a raccoon

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣

6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes

Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.