Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.

“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

*At the bar

Me)May I sit here?

Her)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

Today’s Times

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast

Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back

[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]

EARTH: yo

GOD: what?

EARTH: send nudes

GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*

EARTH: nice

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS