Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*checks Timeline*…

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check

awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.

ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear

the Monday after daylight savings

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.

Me: I did.

Wife: That’s mauve.

I hate it when she makes up words.

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years

British cheese: We briefly scared a cow

American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.