My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
こいつ天才
dude it’s called proctologist
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.