My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
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My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.