Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.

Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

Dear Televised Sports Injury,

We saw it the first time.

Thanks.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?

Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.

If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.

A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.

The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.

“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”

me to God

Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

Date: I like bad boys.

Me: I’m a drug dealer.

Date: But one that is also responsible.

Me: At a pharmacy.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.