Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”

Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se

My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again

Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

Damn what did I do next

If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

Stonehinge

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

dogs are toddlers

cats are teenagers

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

I love seeing cute puppy and dog videos where they’re loving getting pampered and groomed…I’ve personally never experienced a cool dog like that.

Mine always act like I’m about to sacrifice them to the gods.

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”

ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college grads

REQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.