My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
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As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto