My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
