My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
#gardening
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Looks like I picked the wrong century to start selling encyclopedias door to door.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
whatcha thinkin bout
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
