My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
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50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH