Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you

If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!

ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!

FAMINE: What did you expect?

ME: lol

WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!

ME: you want a sugar cube?

FAMINE:… Yes

Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

[spider’s junk email folder]

-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$

-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU

-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY

I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.

I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY