Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*

“the moon is made of cheese”

You’re an idiot

“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option

Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless

*pronounces patio like ratio

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

😂

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

Some women seated next to me are gossiping in French, they obviously think I’m some dumb American who doesn’t speak French and they are correct

would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

Patient: When I broke my hip, you were there for me.
When I fell, you were there for me.
When I got MRSA you were there for me. And now that I’m dying, here you are again. Do you know what I think of that?
Me: What?
Patient: I think you’re bad luck!

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.

Nostalgia isn’t as good as it used to be.