Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?

Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!

B: here’s your coffee. $12.32

M: thank you

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

Tastes like chicken.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis

I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.

Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

[first day as a celebrity chef]

*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*

please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.