Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

I love snow

– People who never shovel

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”

the clam before the storm

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”

People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?

Boss: Are you high?

Me: If I was high could I do this?

*teleports two inches to the right*

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor

Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.

Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured